romanswebsiteblog:

I happened to be in Saint Louis during the World Series. The camp at Freedom Square (nee Kiener Plaza) was just a few blocks away from Busch Stadium where the surprise series was held.

I was outside the stadium during the incredible Game 6 and returned to the camp after victorious Game 7. The…

last night/early morning at occupy stl.  

 afterthoughts…

talking to a few folks who had been there for about a week and when i casually mentioned i was curious what to the police/occupier relationship was like in the city, one didn’t get the PGP) responded, “I work for the police department.”

it was like stumbling into a bar (or new city as I have been) hoping you’ll meet a new hot person to hook up and smoke weed with and before you even introduce yourself, they’re on your lap with a Volcano.  And it’s not even taking part in it.  It is knowing that it exists.  This is a possibility.  There is something I really want to do.  And I can do it. 

i had an activist friend who identified their goal as “putting themselves out of work.”

what’s been going on is we’ve all been fighting each other, and as that is stopping. we’re like the referees, the social workers, teachers, nurses, performers, artists… distracting others by sharing with them how the world could and should be.  and we’ve all been saying the same thing forever.

people’s lives have been taken away simply because they to make sure everyone is safe to go anywhere.  people are blocked from entering places based on something out of their control.  who owns the earth?  

when the idea of being able to “do anything” is brought up i have heard:

—wahhh if we were “allowed” to do anything there would be more murder!

to which I respond:

—-it already IS “legal” for people to kill each other. it just depends who is doing the killing and who is being killed.

—-FEARS of naked people having sex everywhere.

Why fear the inevitable? That NEEDS to happen!!! All the sexual repression?  And issues with our bodies?   Lack of Sex Education? As long as it is consensual than I am all for it.  If you walk past people fucking (and you will) go about your business. As someone who has been told to “quit it” because I was touching another human being in public.  It’s kind of a downer. Let people be.  And also! don’t be afraid to join them if you ARE invited. maybe you can add something,  Who knows?  ”Hey, my name is ______, I saw you fucking on 31st st. nice work.”  or

“Those are great shorts!” or

“I have been living in a police state for my entire existence and i am finally aware of all that is available to me!  wow, resource!!!! i’ve never sucked a cock before due to “cocksucker” being used as a derogatory term, as well as affected many people with internalized homophobia, misogyny, etc. so why don’t i try it?”  

The group mind, the group mind is growing.  And perhaps some fear lack of structure i’m used to,  fear the numerous choices (although i’ve been battling against the billions of choices my entire life) and leave me doing nothing instead because i can’t grasp it all. 

somehow our energy is taking over and our bodies are just following.  

It was always the bodies first, these shells forcing our way into things.  Our mouths making promises we know we couldn’t keep just to survive one more day.  We have no idea what it’s like to really be free and unafraid.

There will be an anthropologist who will do a study on human interaction up to what we were told was “the year 2011” the reason it will end in 2012 is because that stupid fucking number 2012.  we are not in a year, there is no proof of any of that.  we are in a moment now and we are all experiencing it at the same time.  and when we can begin to see that, when no one is afraid of each other because there is no reason to be.

the anthropologist will study how much time in our lives we spent locking doors, locking ourselves and others in and out out of places. Not just homes, but cages.

ideas must be freely exchanged. 

i felt scared to leave new york city because i honestly felt it was going to fall apart.  i just did not want to be on the side that was punished.  that’s what the last 9 years was for.

there is more danger coming.  but this is the end of non-consent.

we have won.

I still do not feel it fully. I don’t know how it feels, as after the marches regardless of their cause or intent, i never felt quite so satisfied afterwards. the chanting, “we the people will never be defeated” always faded away.

the idea that we would need a leader is just another lie.  we’re all leaders. 

uy yuy yuy

went to bed after 8am after watching the live feed from denver.

stopped by occupy stl (downtown) last night.  still processing it.

one person had a drumstick* he’d picked up (i believe from someone else) that they offered to sell me.  ”are you kidding?” was my response.  didn’t quite have the energy to discuss resources in a community. *for drums

saw a person drawing by themsleves.  they inspired me to pick up a pen when i got back to where i was staying.

one person asked me if they should make coffee.  they had plenty and they wanted some, but were waiting for someone to tell them to.  ah. there is a lot we have to unlearn.  as someone who is not used to telling people waht to do, or even vocally asking for what i want, it felt very satisfying to help someone follow their own desire for action that in the end would help others as well. 

talked to one person who shared their thoughts on the stars.

there was no one really “welcoming” folks to the campsite.  we did arrive around 3am? so that is a possibility as to why.

i talked to a few people on benches outside.  some people have been living in that area from well before the occupation started and they were in support of what the occupiers were doing, yet frustrated that they had had blankets, wheelchair and who knows what else stolen. 

there seems to be a lack of understanding and communication.  people need to be talking about intersectionality and start acknowledging their neighbors.  pretending poverty will be eliminated simply by diving headfirst into a communal living situation is naive.  there are health concerns, survival.  there are people who do not have access to tents, shelter, or may be unaware that they access can (and is??) being provided.

it is only day 13 and it feels like a home for sure.  i hope resources and food are cared for.  saw a giant tub full of boxes of cereal, and i’m sure there is more as i dreamed about it this afternoon.

i was in a small town - i think i may have made it to colorado.  mike short and a few nyc people were there.  i was seeking out free food, as there were some places serving free food.  i was also able to smoke (what i desired) in public without much worry.  this is what is happening.  small steps.

it shouldn’t matter whether or not the circumstances in the dream were “real,” they happened and i lived through them.

i am going to continue living in this “dream state” til we’re all living in it together.

The footage from the protests, folks taking over the streets and uniting, not giving up and not being violent - it’s giving me a boner.   It’s the kind I get when I pass a really hot bike on the sidewalk.  There is magnetic energy and excitement.  Slight embarrassment since I’m still overcoming the internalized oppression of finding PEOPLE attractive - since we are encouraged to become ashamed of our desires.

I haven’t slept through the night (or day for that matter) in I don’t know how long.  I’ve been forgetting the day, the time.  It’s amazing how time speeds and slows down in various ways when structure is removed.  My eating schedule is just as bizarre as lack of sleep.

The other night on my way back from the bathroom it took me a moment to find my way back to bed because I could not remember whose house I was at. 

The day before with a couple bags I plopped down for a nap on a greenway. It was one of the friends who picked me up who later commented, “Yeah, it’s been a long day.  We picked you up in a field this morning.”

St. Louis, like Bloomington has lent itself to two wonderful homes I have had the pleasure of staying in.  One in each with friends I’d known before I came and the second ones were with new people I met here.

One I feel is a like a cookie that is *almost* done baking, but soon enough it will be full-blown commune. In a few people’s minds, including my own, it really already is. We just have to wait til everyone else realizes it. 

It’s like with these protests, all the fucking work and time and lives so many millions of people have given just so we can share the videos with the world.  And while there are still steps to be taken, and it seems like there is far to go, that this is happening is too much for things to ever go back to how they were.

We are all doing things at the same time, it’s the group mind.  And as I move westward, spending enough time in each town to feel comfortable, meet people and make connections.  I feel the wave coming through.  The idea “couchsurfing” becomes even more romantic as I can feel the waves of revolution passing through. 

A new friend I met said with speaking and visiting STL I had inspired “A Call To Action,” which I believe is owed to everyone who has worked to get us here.  And those unable to join us in body - their/your energy is with us.  And it is so strong.

I hope the police and those in positions of power join us soon. 

Yeah, no one knows exactly what these demonstrations will bring about and that is what is so beautiful about it, we’ll all have to figure it out together.

The last night in Bloomington, and yes it’s hard.  This is the hardest part.  At times I feel lonely even amongst friends (new and old), I am anxious due to the lack of structure, not knowing my way around a new city or town, I find myself in a place ot with people I don’t quite feel comfortable with, but this - the times when I leave a place and people I have grown to love, this is the hardest.

I allowed myself to get closer to people, always with the idea it will be good for both of us.  The energy exchange will make us feel more complete.  

Sometimes I’m not ready for this love to be reciprocated and when it is, I find it hard to take.  While these travels have pushed me to get to know and fall in love (and I use this in a broad sense, of course) with people and then leave.  Although it safer, it is not any less painful.

The more people I meet, actually talk to and get to know, the more I’m reminded of other friends from near and far; I’m able to love them again, this time in person.

And each time I leave a city I believe behind all the things I imagined we could have done together, from kissing to making fun videos, to getting fucking high, to wandering around a city aimlessly.  

Yes, everything moves on and perhaps we will meet again in this life or the next, in another place, or as different people. 

Maybe someone will recommend a book and as soon as I pick it up I will realize it tells the story of you* and I.

And yes, *you can be you and probably is. 

I seem to be addicted to getting other people in touch with each other, I’ve been subconsciously planting the seeds for communes. So maybe when I come back things will be in place, people will not feel so isolated and alone. 

The people I have spoken to regardless of their identities and histories, there is struggle going on.  It’s everywhere. 

And it’s as though the idea of struggling together is so foreign to all of us. 

I was laying next to a boy I met.  I only use the word “boy” because it fits more than anything.  All I wanted was to be held.   He was playing for me his favorite album; I’d never heard it.  Our heads were next to the speakers on the bed and there was energy there. I swear I never felt so vulnerable and so speechless.

Although desire was there (on my side anyway) and was not acted on, despite speaking it aloud, it didn’t solve anything.  It was too hard for me to ask to be held, though that is all I wanted. 

So it is on to the next city.  On to old friends, on to new.

I’ll listen to Cosmic Love on repeat to help me get the tears out; it’s harder to cry now. 

And I will try to let go of all that could have been in this city and I will feel grateful for all there was. 

I may never feel as close to this as I do now.  And maybe down the road, I’ll need to get it out, so I’ll write a short story and before I know it it’ll be an indie film.  

Young actors reaching and expressing all this fucking angst.  On a day where I felt so much joy I could literally not stop dancing can only end in tears.  And as much as I try to write it out, it is still only a shadow of what I experienced. 

My eternal thanks, Bloomington. 

I am sitting in a computer lab at IU or UI in Bloomington, Indiana, next to a new friend.  A kind soul named Chris who is a combination of (hold your breath) friends Austin Smith and Michael Dudley with looks/voice of Jason Bateman, Peter Sarsgaard and David Duchovny. Boi-oi-oing indeed. 

I am headed to St. Louis next.  Never been, but I am excited to stay with a close friend from college, Ariana.  Ariana and I lived across the hall from each other our last year of college.  It was Ariana who walked in on me in the bathroom when I was shaving my face (before I had facial hair, or had even thought about going on T) and assured me I was not a freak, though I felt like one.

Ariana was also the person who woke me on the morning of Sept 11th and told me the news.  I was half asleep.

I met Ariana first year of college and the first time I ever drank or got drunk(ish) was on Peach Schnapps and Hawaiian Punch (much apologies to all friends of Hawai’ian descent for mentioning this tasty for some, yet offensive to most product).  It was Halloween, 1998. 

I love making Ariana laugh.  I got her to spit milk out of her nose/mouth once and I am determined to make it happen again.

Bloomington has been wonderful, staying with friends Shani and Abigail and their amazing dog, Luther.  One of the friendliest pups I’ve ever met.  And I’ve met a LOT of pups.  It’s a cute college town and I will be sad to leave.